SO YOU WANT TO BE A TEABAGGER

(While writing this I had in the back of my mind a Philadelphia politician named James Tayoun who spent some time behind bars and then wrote a book of advice called So You're Going to Prison. I can't think of that title without cracking up. Anyway...)

You've heard a lot about the bagger scene and you'd like to give it a whirl. But not so fast! Here's a test to enable you to decide whether it's right for you.

There are three questions with three possible answers each.

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QUESTION ONE: You come face to face with an Iraq war vet who has lived on the street for years, since the first Bush administration announced that there is no such thing as Gulf War Syndrome. You say

(a) Step aside, you bum, and make way for a real patriot!

(b) My God! Why won't the richest country on earth take care of the people who fight its wars?

(c) There but for the grace of God go I.

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QUESTION TWO: An acquaintance tells you, "I don't know how my dad is going to pay his medical bills. He is facing a pretty bleak future." You say

(a) Let him die on the hospital steps. If there's one thing we don't need, it's more freeloaders!

(b) Isn't there a state program for people in his position?

(c) Wow! How can I help?

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THIRD QUESTION: A corporation that defeated smoking restrictions in Texas offers you and your friends a luxury bus in which to go around to town hall meetings. (True story.) You say

(a) Where do I sign up?

(b) You mean you're not only against healthcare but against health?

(c) Get away from me, you sociopathic scum!

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Well, there you have it. How did you do? Any hard choices? I sure hope not.

If you chose (a) every time, pat yourself on the back and go brew up a cup of that splendid patriotic beverage!

But if you chose another answer to any of the questions, know that people like you will be dealt with after the revolution.